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Old 10-26-2012, 11:02 AM   #161 (permalink)
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Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
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Old 10-26-2012, 11:03 AM   #162 (permalink)
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HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you have a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........

Well, Shit Happens!!!
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Old 10-26-2012, 11:04 AM   #163 (permalink)
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Cajun economics

It's a slow day in Mamou, Louisiana.
The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough,
everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a traveling Shreveport salesman is driving
through town. He stops at the Hotel Cazan and lays a $100 bill on
the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to
pick one in which to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, Bosco, the owner, grabs the bill
and runs next door to pay his debt to Boudreaux the butcher.

Boudreaux takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
to Trosclair the pig farmer.

Trosclair takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at T-Boy's
Farmers Co-op, the local supplier of feed and fuel.

T-Boy, at the Farmer's Co-op, takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to
the local prostitute, Clarise, who has also been facing hard times and
has had to offer her "services" on credit.

Clarise rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with Bosco,
the hotel owner.

Bosco then places the $100 back on the counter so the travelling
salesman will not suspect anything.

At that moment the salesman comes down the stairs, picks up the $100
bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money,
and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole
town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more
optimism.

And that, my friend, is how the United States Government is
conducting business today.
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Old 10-26-2012, 11:08 AM   #164 (permalink)
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Nancy & Harry...



Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana

With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" "Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
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Old 10-26-2012, 11:24 AM   #165 (permalink)
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Southerners have a way with words!



These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....



16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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Old 10-27-2012, 01:53 AM   #166 (permalink)
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Smile Funny Looking Yellow Dog

A gangbanger was walking down the street with his mean looking Pit Bull on a chain, intimidating people and laughing as they crossed to the other side of the street to avoid him. As the gangbanger continued to walk, he spied an elderly man with huge bifocals, checkered pants which were too short, and a cane walking a funny looking yellow dog. The gangbanger started his way, the Pit Bull snapping and snarling at the other dog. The gangbanger said let's let the dogs fight and bet on the winner. The old man, wanting to avoid trouble, declined the offer. The gangbanger began calling the man an old bitch, a sissy, and every bad thing you could imagine. Finally, the old man reluctantly relented. The gangbanger unleashed the Pit Bull which snarling and snapping leaped mercilessly at the little yellow dog, which remained still and quiet. "Snap, snap"! It was over! The Pit Bull had vanished! The gangbanger yelled what the HELL kind of dog is that?!"
The old man replied: "Well, before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he used to be an alligator".
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Old 10-27-2012, 03:01 AM   #167 (permalink)
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What does hurricane Sandy and Snooki have in common? They are both headed to the Jersey shore to blow anything in a 100 mile radius!!
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Old 10-27-2012, 03:15 AM   #168 (permalink)
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Angry sick

A guy tells his wife he is gonna go out with the boys for the night. His wife says be home by 1am which he agrees. So he is out doing shots with boys and slamming beers when he looks at his watch and its 2:15am. He hurries home and when he is 3 houses away he puts it in nuetral and coasts into the driveway. He eases his key into the door and creeps inside. He then carefully creeps upstairs and slowly opens the bedroom door. He can see the outline of his wife fast asleep. He cant figure out how to climb into be without waking her. He figures out is he slides up under the covers and goes down on her how can she be mad at him. So he slides up under the covers and goes down on her and she orgasms. He then goes to the bathroom to wash his face. When he finishes he looks over at the toilet and his wife is sitting there and she says "SSSHHHHHHH your mother is sleeping in our bed"!!!!
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Old 10-27-2012, 07:44 AM   #169 (permalink)
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ewwwwwwwww......!
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Old 12-12-2012, 12:51 PM   #170 (permalink)
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Per " STEVEO's" Request,,Jokes you dont tell your Momma-imageuploadedbymotorcycle1355331044.267271.jpg


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