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Old 12-12-2012, 03:27 PM   #171 (permalink)
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A pirate walks into a bar, he walks up the the barkeep and asks for a pint of his finest ale. The bar keep says "Sure you scurvy dog, but first tell me why that ships wheel be on yer mid section?". The pirate looks down, then back up and says, "Arrrrrr, hard to say but it's drivin' me nuts!"
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Old 12-13-2012, 03:07 AM   #172 (permalink)
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What is the difference between dark and hard?













It stays dark all night!!!
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Old 12-13-2012, 09:49 PM   #173 (permalink)
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What's the difference between a Kansas girl and a Texas girl?



A Kansas girl say's " You can " and a Texas girl say's " y'all can!!!"
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Old 12-15-2012, 12:00 PM   #174 (permalink)
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Testicle disorder

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During the tour, she passes a room where a patient was masturbating.
The woman screamed, "That's disgraceful! What the hell is going on here?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but that man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen,
and if he doesn't do that at least three times a day,
he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while
a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "And how can THAT be justified?!!"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan. "
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Old 12-15-2012, 03:35 PM   #175 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by christophersfury View Post
Testicle disorder

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During the tour, she passes a room where a patient was masturbating.
The woman screamed, "That's disgraceful! What the hell is going on here?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but that man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen,
and if he doesn't do that at least three times a day,
he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while
a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "And how can THAT be justified?!!"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan. "
Very nice!


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Old 01-03-2013, 03:19 AM   #176 (permalink)
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A group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!

That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!







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Old 01-03-2013, 12:11 PM   #177 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Austones View Post
A group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!

That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!







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LOL! Good one.
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Old 01-16-2013, 04:26 AM   #178 (permalink)
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Keeping the motorbike theme going......

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship". The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat". The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft". Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a Honda Fury in there!"




There's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the anaesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously. "Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. "The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle." "Jesus," gasped the patient. "What's the good news?" "The fellow in the next bed over will give you a good price for your boots."




A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic. So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson. After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine. He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads. He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished. He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends. Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed. "Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks. "Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?" "For doing it all through the exhaust."




A guy is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Shit, I must have killed the biker".



A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $50,000 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,500,000) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."




A cop is staking out the Bikerīs Pub & Caffe for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How is this possible?" The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."




This guy has always dreamed of owning a Honda Fury. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Fury and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. They enter and the young man notices there are dirty dishes everywhere in the kitchen and living room, so he makes a note to not say a word. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Fury, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"





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Old 01-16-2013, 11:10 AM   #179 (permalink)
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Those were great! How about a reflector joke?

The day after Christmas, Little Betty was riding her new bicycle around the block when a mounted officer rides by. He decides to tease the little girl a bit.

"Hey little girl, nice bike. Did Santa bring that for you?"

"Yep!" she cheerfully replies.

The cop pulls out a pad and writes her a ticket. "That's a safety violation. Tell Santa that your bike should have reflectors on it."

The girl, without missing a beat, says "Did Santa bring you that horse?"

Playing along, the officer says "Yes, he did."

"Tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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Old 01-20-2013, 08:16 PM   #180 (permalink)
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very good.

how about a honda joke

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. The biker, while in severe pain, asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
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